A Prayer

God,
I pray to You tonight for help, praise, thanks-giving and confession.
Help me to be an example for You. Help me to not be ashamed of who I am in You and in what I believe in. Help me to say "no" when I should, to reach out when I need to, and to say what You intend for others to hear.
I pray for Your path in my life - whether that means a life of singleness surrounded by friends and loved ones, or a life with a significant other and a family of my own. If that be the case, Lord, please grant me a strong husband who can stand firm in You, show me it's ok to stand up for myself, and who will have a greater love for You than for me. Help him to base his life around Your Word and guidelines for our lives and the lives of any children who could come into the picture.
Lord, if I remain single for life, please help me to accept it, and embrace the family I have in You. You have blessed me with nothing but the best. You have given me mothers to hug and talk to, fathers to feel loved, adored, and protected by, and siblings to cry and laugh with. I thank You more than ever for those people in my life. I would be so lost without the guidance I've had through them. Thank You for showing me that I can make a difference too - for showing me that I am indeed significant to the lives of people.
I praise You for the inspirations You have portrayed to me. The sunrises behind the Caribbean palm trees, the sunsets imprisoned within the trees to the west of our apartment window, and the stars that reveal the mystery of You each night. Your creation is amazing, and Your workings are intricate. I can't even comprehend how You piece it all together day to day.
I ask for forgiveness in my slip-ups. I pray You help me to be better, because I am truly nothing without You. Help me to stay firm in You, and to hold strong in my convictions. Help me to be a wonderful example of You. Please keep me from falling into the crowds of worldly motives and materials.
Lord, I thank you again for bringing me to where I am with the people I have. Only You could have worked out my life in such an amazing way, and I know You will never leave  or fail me. I'm comforted in the knowledge that You have knowledge of my future and my decisions. Help me to make my decisions Yours, and my steps to be in Your path. Bring the right people into my life, help me to cast off the things that will tear me down, and to stand up for You when it gets rough.
I love You, my Father,
Amen Pin It

What Passion Feels Like

I can't even explain the overwhelming passion that I have for the Dominican Republic right now. Just going to church today and seeing the glow on the faces of people who have gone before in light of the recent trip. People are sharing their experiences with others and seeing how God is working in the hearts of potential, future team members and the long time veterans is just amazing.
My heart beats a little harder when I think about the future trips, and the project and what it will do for the community and the kids. I truly feel like that is where I need to be - working with the people in our church and helping to stir that passion by sharing mine. Relationships are so important to me and forming new ones is one of the most amazing feelings for me.
I feel so close to people I've been on trips with, kids in the Dominican, and the new friends I've made in the Dominican that I can't wait to see next trip!
It is such a passion that I can't even explain, but just thinking about it makes me so excited! Pin It

Reflection

Reflecting on this last trip to the Dominican, I find myself to be braver than before, happier, more loved and an array of many other positive emotions and feelings as a result of the trip. I feel like I'm able to stand up more for what I believe in, and for when things are bothering me. I have always been such a pushover and allowed people to walk on me, but I'm happy to say that I have been able to release some things.
I think this is because I feel more loved - not that I was never loved by people on my team - but I was truly able to allow myself to accept it this time around. I never took it seriously, but for some reason something clicked in me with this team. Maybe it was because of the constant advice I was getting from people wiser than me, or the hugs I was given in times of frustration, but all I know is that I feel like I am valued, and because of that I value myself.
With everything that has gone down in my life so far this past year, having a few father figures around really did me some good. For so long I've felt guilty and just down about life, but now that I've felt the love of other fathers around me and know what their point of view would have been in my situation, I know I can move on and be ok.
I am so at ease with so much in my life right now, and I know that people have my back no matter what happens. It's ok to be scared and frustrated, but it's also ok to be loved and accepted.
God definitely did a lot in my life during this trip, and I didn't even realize it until the plane ride home. Pin It

What Happens When you Can't Say "No"...

I can't even begin to untie the knot my life has become so far in 2011. It seems like so many things have been thrown at me in such a small amount of time and I haven't even had the time to duck, or to catch it all. Satan is on such a prowl in my life and he is trying to tear me down when I have this amazing experience coming up in the Dominican. There has just been so much with work, church stuff, Dominican stuff, health stuff, life stuff... In less than two months I've been forced to move out, get a car - so the other one didn't kill me, make family upset with me for reasons I don't even understand, play a balancing game with Sunday mornings, been told to brace myself for possible major health-related things, and still try and mange to hold myself together for the sake of the kids I work with and the people I come into contact with on a daily basis.
Everything is such a blur, and I find myself fighting tears on a daily basis. It's funny how one day I feel like God has plans and He has it all under control, but then the next day I forget things, or I let someone down, or I'm scrambling for peace of mind.
I don't know how to handle people - heck, I don't know how to handle myself much of the time. I didn't expect 24 to be so insane. I feel like a tired, over-worked, over-burdened, housewife. There is no way I could handle a husband and kids with what I have now. I know God won't give me more than I can handle, but the plates I'm stacking are getting to an uncontrollable height, and the sad thing is that it is probably all my own fault.


"If billions of people are living a Christless life, then there certainly is no time to waste on an American dream."
Radical - by David Platt
Quit begging the question and get out there and start spreading the Gospel! Pin It

To Lose is Gain

Seems that my life has taken quite a turn this last week. Not even really sure why, but I'm moving out of my parents' house and in with my good friend, Jen. I'm sad, nervous, excited, and confused all at the same time, but I know God has a plan for me. He knows where I'll be in a month, year, 5 years, the rest of my life.
I have found an unbelievable amount of peace through all this and the situation that has presented itself to me. This is very unusual for me since I am one of the biggest worriers I know!
Just remember to give your lives to God. He'll take care of you. =) Pin It

Dysfunctional Malfunction

I've really been surrounded by everything malfunctional and dysfunctional this past week. Between my car, the copy machine at work, my computer, just random little things that haven't been working right (like my space heater, Windows Movie Maker)...it's all been very frustrating. Then there is the dysfunctional element of my life - worship. True, untainted worship. Sundays just aren't Sundays anymore. I feel like I get up and go to work for no pay. I know I am 50% of the problem. I never say no. I make myself available too much. People don't think of things until they see me. I feel bad saying no, or ignoring them, or saying to catch me later, or leave a note. I just never used to be that way.
BUT, I miss going to church with a worry-free mind. And feeling like I'm going to a place of worship, not a place of work. It's quite exhausting. Even Sundays that no one approaches me, my mind is still in constant disarray. "Did I remember to make that change in the bulletin? Whoops, I misspelled that in the power point. I forgot to print the sign-in sheets, again!"
I miss the aspect of pure worship - something that I haven't truly gotten to give to my Lord since Sr. High retreat at Portage Lake. I don't know what this is telling me. I wish I could sort out my mind.

Then there is the element of malfunctioning health. I'm so puzzled by my condition. So puzzled why no one knows about it and what my future holds. It really is quite nerve-racking going through each day, wondering where you'll be in a year, or 6 months, especially if your doctors have no clue. I feel convicted when I ask God why, or what. Especially when I hear that song "He Knows My Name" where the very first line is "I have a Maker, He formed my heart..." I'm left thinking "You forgot some of mine..." (Half-joking of course) I've been struggling with this a lot lately as things change and I experience more stress. I can't help but wonder if I'm really living out my dream. What if I don't get to my dreams? And no one knows where I'll be in a year. Uhg. 25 shouldn't come with these kinds of thoughts. This is definitely a faith walk. Pin It

LIfe's Cliches

I think I'm in love with the idea of being in love. As much as I hate cliches, this one is very evident in my life right now. I'm afraid of settling, or saying "oh well, it's not like the most perfect guy is going to walk into my life, so I might as well go with this one." Not every guy is perfect, but I know better than that. I know that God knows what I need now, and what I'll need 10 years from now. I am learning more and more what I want in a husband, but I know that God knows not only what I want, but what I need.
I have felt so stinking tired lately, and a little fed up with life and just people in general. I'm not used to being surrounded by people, or loud people, or being a leader, or balancing so many things in life. I'm tired of pleasing the world and trying to make people happy, then people guilting me when I don't come through. Even when they don't realize they're guilting me...it's just that small look they give you, or that staccato "oh" after you say "no".
I'm dealing with a lot at 24, and I feel like if I'm this busy now, where in the world will I be in 2 years, 5 years, or 10 years? As much as I admire women who run themselves ragged in sacrifice for others and to keep everything moving because if they aren't there the world will fall apart, I don't think my heart can handle that. I think I'd hate my life. 
I miss having days of sitting around, drinking coffee, and writing. Pin It