Sunday, May 24, 2009


I have such a hard time knowing how loved and liked I am. I don't have a clue why this is or how to change it, but the little criticisms seem to over-rule the positive things that enter my consciousness. When the only thing someone says to me is a criticism or blame, I hurt.
I'm so scared I'm going to fail, and crash and burn and prove correct what I keep thinking everyone else is thinking. I always feel like I don't do enough, or that I could always do better, which is true to an extent, but when I feel like I have to keep going, just to show someone that I'm NOT weak, and I'm NOT ignorant, I eventually feel like I may just fall down and die of exhaustion.
I hate getting "yelled" at. I have the hardest time handling that feeling of stupidity or feeling like I lack that skill or intelligence, especially when the person standing right next to me is good in everything. I can't compete with the all-around people. When I fail and they prevail I feel pointless. I like prevailing together.
Being sensitive really stinks sometimes. On one hand I notice things quicker, and pick up on moods almost instantly. I have a keen eye for detail and can remember things well, but on the other hand I can't handle rejection. I can't know that someone dislikes me or it shatters me. If I feel like I'm in the way or a pain, I ditch the scenario completely. I would rather go unnoticed than to be there and in the way. I sound really self-absorbed right now, and I really don't like that either.
Why must everything be perfect? If I try, isn't that enough? I hate when people underestimate me, because it really makes me rain on myself. I'm really struggling with these things right now. Pin It

Friday, May 22, 2009

My Journey

Wow. What a journey I have been through in the last month and a half!
I went to Chicago for a couple of days to visit with friends and have some fun. I got to see more of Chicago, including the Millennium Park and more of the city.
Two days later, I turned back around to head to the Dominican Republic. I didn't anticipate getting much out of the trip, but I did. God still teaches me things and He still makes me grow in ways I never imagined I could.
While there, we renovated a house for a man named Pedro and his two sons. His house was unlivable and his family was forced to move 20 miles away and in an unfavorable spot. You literally have to cross a river to get to his house. We put in a floor, painted the outside, put in electricity, a bed, and walls.
We also began the kitchen project in putting in giant pipes for sewage, building up a wall around the campus and putting in a gate. It wasn't much of a start, but it was a start.
It was amazing to see how God had worked in my life as a result of the trip. The last year has felt so dead to me and everything was so dull. I wasn't passionate for the things I used to have fervor for and I could care less about the beauty around me. God really opened my eyes to see Him and is amazing light again. I can't wait to return. Pin It