Sunday, May 24, 2009


I have such a hard time knowing how loved and liked I am. I don't have a clue why this is or how to change it, but the little criticisms seem to over-rule the positive things that enter my consciousness. When the only thing someone says to me is a criticism or blame, I hurt.
I'm so scared I'm going to fail, and crash and burn and prove correct what I keep thinking everyone else is thinking. I always feel like I don't do enough, or that I could always do better, which is true to an extent, but when I feel like I have to keep going, just to show someone that I'm NOT weak, and I'm NOT ignorant, I eventually feel like I may just fall down and die of exhaustion.
I hate getting "yelled" at. I have the hardest time handling that feeling of stupidity or feeling like I lack that skill or intelligence, especially when the person standing right next to me is good in everything. I can't compete with the all-around people. When I fail and they prevail I feel pointless. I like prevailing together.
Being sensitive really stinks sometimes. On one hand I notice things quicker, and pick up on moods almost instantly. I have a keen eye for detail and can remember things well, but on the other hand I can't handle rejection. I can't know that someone dislikes me or it shatters me. If I feel like I'm in the way or a pain, I ditch the scenario completely. I would rather go unnoticed than to be there and in the way. I sound really self-absorbed right now, and I really don't like that either.
Why must everything be perfect? If I try, isn't that enough? I hate when people underestimate me, because it really makes me rain on myself. I'm really struggling with these things right now. Pin It

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