Thursday, August 12, 2010

Fearfully & Wonderfully

(Previously written at the Generation Next Retreat - March 20, 2010)

As I sit here on the floor of the chapel, looking around, seeing people release the pain from the wounds that have poisoned their lives, I'm left numb. I know I have wounds, but I can't fully grasp them right now. I can't even begin to count the times I've been shamed, or the times I wish I could just not exist anymore, but the circumstances that led me to those moments of shame are so hard to find tangible.
I wonder a lot if I'm bitter about the life I've been born into. The negativity that permeates from my family, as well as the hopelessness that pours from them. I wonder so many times how I made it past the age of 3.
And why am I put into the situation of physical problems when God "made me so fearfully and wonderfully". Things I will never understand until I'm standing face to face with my Maker.
I have been so unreasonably blessed to be where I am, surrounded by the people I have; but why must I be taken from them so hastily? So many times I find myself unable to wait for the day I'll be with my Heavenly Father, but then see the hearts I'm leaving behind. Someday they will join me, but living without them seems like it would shatter me.
Of all the things I look forward to, why the 3 I can't wait for the most have to be the restrictions, the unlikelies, and the impossibles?
Don't I have the personality to be a nurturing mother? The passion to travel as a missionary? Shouldn't I be able to live beyond 40? It's hard to believe that my quarter-life is over half my life. It's not right to be thinking about these things at 23. Pin It

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Something's Got to Change

I'm ready to move on.
I need to get out of this web called Mason County. The people and friends I have here have been wonderful, and unfortunately, they are the only ones holding me back. The things I've learned from my professors has been gold. I would have never been so passionate about my writing, English, Spanish, words, structure, etc if it hadn't been for the people who showed me how to have passion for those things.
My church family has been pretty much my only family, embracing me when times were rough, laughing when things were funny, and actually heard me out when I had something to say, then understood. There will never be another family like them.
My camp family is even more superb. They are the ones that taught me how to live on my own. From little things like parallel parking to huge things like finding self-worth and a place in a community of people.
But I am going no where here. I'm running on a treadmill, seeing nothing but the same old things since I was five. I live under my parents. I have no chance of a future here. Something has got to change.
Writing and traveling have always been my passions. I've always been so scared of taking those leaps in my life. What's the worst that could happen after all? Pin It