Dysfunctional Malfunction

I've really been surrounded by everything malfunctional and dysfunctional this past week. Between my car, the copy machine at work, my computer, just random little things that haven't been working right (like my space heater, Windows Movie Maker)...it's all been very frustrating. Then there is the dysfunctional element of my life - worship. True, untainted worship. Sundays just aren't Sundays anymore. I feel like I get up and go to work for no pay. I know I am 50% of the problem. I never say no. I make myself available too much. People don't think of things until they see me. I feel bad saying no, or ignoring them, or saying to catch me later, or leave a note. I just never used to be that way.
BUT, I miss going to church with a worry-free mind. And feeling like I'm going to a place of worship, not a place of work. It's quite exhausting. Even Sundays that no one approaches me, my mind is still in constant disarray. "Did I remember to make that change in the bulletin? Whoops, I misspelled that in the power point. I forgot to print the sign-in sheets, again!"
I miss the aspect of pure worship - something that I haven't truly gotten to give to my Lord since Sr. High retreat at Portage Lake. I don't know what this is telling me. I wish I could sort out my mind.

Then there is the element of malfunctioning health. I'm so puzzled by my condition. So puzzled why no one knows about it and what my future holds. It really is quite nerve-racking going through each day, wondering where you'll be in a year, or 6 months, especially if your doctors have no clue. I feel convicted when I ask God why, or what. Especially when I hear that song "He Knows My Name" where the very first line is "I have a Maker, He formed my heart..." I'm left thinking "You forgot some of mine..." (Half-joking of course) I've been struggling with this a lot lately as things change and I experience more stress. I can't help but wonder if I'm really living out my dream. What if I don't get to my dreams? And no one knows where I'll be in a year. Uhg. 25 shouldn't come with these kinds of thoughts. This is definitely a faith walk. Pin It

LIfe's Cliches

I think I'm in love with the idea of being in love. As much as I hate cliches, this one is very evident in my life right now. I'm afraid of settling, or saying "oh well, it's not like the most perfect guy is going to walk into my life, so I might as well go with this one." Not every guy is perfect, but I know better than that. I know that God knows what I need now, and what I'll need 10 years from now. I am learning more and more what I want in a husband, but I know that God knows not only what I want, but what I need.
I have felt so stinking tired lately, and a little fed up with life and just people in general. I'm not used to being surrounded by people, or loud people, or being a leader, or balancing so many things in life. I'm tired of pleasing the world and trying to make people happy, then people guilting me when I don't come through. Even when they don't realize they're guilting me...it's just that small look they give you, or that staccato "oh" after you say "no".
I'm dealing with a lot at 24, and I feel like if I'm this busy now, where in the world will I be in 2 years, 5 years, or 10 years? As much as I admire women who run themselves ragged in sacrifice for others and to keep everything moving because if they aren't there the world will fall apart, I don't think my heart can handle that. I think I'd hate my life. 
I miss having days of sitting around, drinking coffee, and writing. Pin It

Lady of Faith

We continue on with Lady in Waiting, chapter 3 - Lady of Faith. For any Christian, this chapter's title may sound like a resounding "duh", but don't write it off too quickly. I read through this and found myself guilty of a lot of the things talked about.
As women, we are constantly "spouse-hunting". We tend to focus so much on finding a guy, that we neglect to keep growing our inner selves. Why do we as women change churches and communities only because there aren't any "perspective single guys"? That's shallow. We join ministries because the cute guy who plays guitar is in it, or we sign up for a trip because it could be a chance to get to know some guy.
Where exactly are our motives here, ladies?
If God wants to bring you the "perfect guy", He sure doesn't need you to help Him. God knows your motives, and He knows when you're ready for a guy. Proverbs 16:2 - "All man's (or woman's) ways seem innocent to him (or her), but motives are weighed by the Lord." When you're around an available guy, are you being sensitive of your motives? Just because the guy doesn't know your motives, God sure does.
Why are we so afraid that God won't come through for us? We know He loves us, and wants what's best for us, so why don't we trust Him? You know what the opposite of faith is? Fear. That's exactly what the enemy wants for us.
You know how Ruth met Boaz? She chanced upon him. God brought Boaz to Ruth in a real way. How cool of a relationship would that be? I don't think it would feel as special if I kept trying to set up the meetings the guy I ended up with.
Listen to this story from Lady in Waiting:
"God brought His best for one woman all the way from Escondido, California to Kenya, Africa, where she was serving her Lord. She was not anxious about the absence of available men. After a broken engagement and a couple of years of less-than-satisfying dating, Vivian had volunteered to go to Kenya, Africa, to teach missionary kids. Just before she left for Kenya, she attended a Bible study where she met a precious Christian guy named David. Had she not been leaving for Africa that week, they might have had time to become better acquainted. Frustrated by the reality of meeting such a fine, Christian guy just before leaving to go halfway around the world, Vivian followed the Lord to Africa with "eyes of faith". Little did she know the script God had written. Halfway through her first term on the field, a construction team arrived from the United States to do some work for the academy where she taught. Guess who was part of the team? You got it: David. He and Vivian not only got acquainted, but they also married right there in Kenya. Just as Jesus brought David to Vivian, Jesus can bring your life-mate to you, no matter where you live" (Kendall, Jones, p. 46).
Ladies, quit distrusting God and start living a life for Him. When you are lost in Him, He'll bring you Mr. Right. Distrust leads to sin. Trusting leads to a great life now and the best life later.  Pin It

Lady of Diligence

In chapter 2 of Kendall & Jone's Lady in Waiting, we read about using our time wisely as singles.
Ephesians 5:15-17: "Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is."

John Fischer says: "God has called me to live now. He wants me to realize my full potential as a man right now, to be thankful about where I am, and to enjoy it to the fullest. I have a strange feeling that the single person who is always wishing he were married will probably get married, discover all that is involved, and wish he were single again! He will ask himself, 'Why didn't I use that time for the Lord when I didn't have so many other obligations? Why didn't I give myself totally to Him when I was single?"

Ladies, why sit home in your lonesome, sad selves and wait for Mr. Right to call? Can't you see that God wants to use you in this pivotal moment of your life? Stop wasting your time and do what God is calling you to do! We are so busy being pitiful and feeling sorry for ourselves - then hoping a guy will notice it and love us for our pain! Stupid! We are better than that!
I think of that episode of the Gilmore Girls where Rory is sitting home alone on a Saturday night, waiting for Jess to call - who claims "now that I have you, I don't have to go to stuff with you. I already won your heart." BOZO! Rory is sitting on the couch of her living room when her mother calls and asks her why in the world she is home on a Saturday night. Then goes on commanding her to get off the couch, get away from the phone and go out and do something. Rory then realizes she shouldn't base her life around a guy, exclaims a hearty "Thanks mom!" then slams the phone down and gets up to find her friend, Lane.
I absolutely love this scene, because it shows that girls don't need a guy to define them. 

When we look at Ruth in the Bible, she has just been widowed and what does she do? Doesn't feel sorry for herself - instead she goes with her mother-in-law, and serves her. She lets God use her for good. If Ruth just sat around and felt bad for herself-hoping some other prince charming came by to see her in distress, how would she truly benefit from that? Sure she picked up a guy, but for her weakness...? C'mon, ladies...you are far better than that. Be strong! Learn from trials and pick yourselves up. Stop pining.

When are we going to learn that guys don't satisfy? "Life is satisfying only when you diligently serve the Lord, whatever your circumstances." If you are living a life of sadness and pity, then find a guy- it won't be happily ever after, like the movies. It might be happy for the first few days or even weeks, but you'll start putting expectations on your husband that only God can supply. Not fair to God or your husband. Why do you think there is so much divorce?
Figure out who you are as a woman of God BEFORE putting another person in your life. This is a big "DUH". You can't be defined by someone else...it will end horribly.

Richard Foster states: "If all of our serving is before others, we will be shallow people indeed." Pin It

Lady of Reckless Abandonment

So I've been so inspired by this book by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones called "Lady in Waiting: Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right". I'm learning to become strong in Christ before adding another person to my life or worrying about finding a partner and letting God bring me the right person. He knows what we need and what we're going to need in life, so why not let Him send Mr. Right?
The first chapter is about "Being a Lady of Reckless Abandonment". Kendall and Jones tell us how in Jesus' time a lady would receive an alabaster box full of precious ointments from her family. The day a man would come and ask her for her hand in marriage, she would accept by smashing her alabaster box for him to show her honor.
It takes a young woman to smash her alabaster box for Jesus in order to give up her dreams and fantasies about guys for what Jesus can bring to her.
We need to realize as women, that NO ONE will ever give us the satisfaction that God can, not even the man we'll marry someday. When we decide to recklessly abandon everything we want, and give it over to the plans of what Jesus wants for us, the adventure is just as, if not more exciting.
Imagine if girls were to put all the time and energy they would into a boyfriend into their walks with God? First of all, we'd be a lot happier now, and a lot happier in the end, because that is when we start to realize we will never get the same happiness from a guy that only God can provide. In the long run, when we're married and with a husband, the relationship is more likely to be successful, because we know that we can't expect our guys to give us that satisfaction. It's not fair to them or God.
So be a lady of reckless abandonment. Screw what the American culture says about finding a man, or jumping from guy to guy until you can tolerate one. Instead, give God a try. He knows the desires of your heart and He knows what you need now and later. Give up your fantasies to Him, your dreams to Him and your relationships to Him. See what adventures he can take you on. You won't regret it. Pin It

When Dreams Die

There's nothing like being told how you will live the rest of your life.
It was just another yearly cardiologist appointment when I learned that my dreams just might not come true. I had been on many trips as my rising passion was for traveling and missions. Virginia, Kentucky, Washington DC, and most recently to Jamaica, where I truly fell in love with other cultures. Scoping out my next destination, I began looking at Covenant Bible College in Ecuador. How amazing would it be to learn about missions in a place like that? I began making plans for it and even applied. I talked to friends who had been to school there, and they encouraged me to go, knowing I would take a lot from my experiences there.
Literally four months later, I sat in the doctor's office, listening to the blunt truth from my cardiologist. Traveling to 3rd world countries wasn't the greatest of ideas for a person with my condition. He also went into many other straight-forward analysis about my future, such as not being able to have kids or living past 40. At 20 years old, I felt like my life was over. How could I live a life without living out my passion for 3rd world missions and cultures, let alone not being able to provide a family later? I spent the next weeks in depression, not able to fathom what was next for me.
Later that summer, the Dominican team had returned from one of their trips, and shared with the congregation. They showed pictures of their working and of the people they shared with there. I sat next to one of the people who went on that trip, Gene McClellan, and he leaned over and said "Ashley, you would do amazing on one of those trips." I wasn't only stunned by his words, but something had been set aflame within me again. I couldn't even explain it. Gene had no clue what my doctor had told me. No one but I had.
I decided to write my name on the list for the next trip, allowing God to do what He wanted with it.
Before I knew it, I was on a plane to the Dominican with 25 other people from our church, not knowing what to expect. God had provided the money for my trip, and I really didn't understand how it had all come together, but it had. I would have been in Ecuador at this time, but instead God had some other plans for me.
Upon the conclusion of our trip, I realized that I was more than capable to do missions work here, because God endorsed it.
Now my passion for the community of Los Alcarrizos is strong, and God continues to use me there. I found out a month after our trip that CBC, the school in Ecuador that I was looking at attending, had shut it's doors. God had sent me a huge message - that He had better plans for me, and that He would provide my dreams. His plan was far greater than what I had in mind. I'm so close to the people I've been on trips with, and I'm more passionate about missions than I've ever been. I know God still has a bright future for me.
God won't let your dreams die; He'll just show you the ones He has in mind for you. They are far better. Pin It

Lifeboat

I feel like a lifeboat. I try to take on everyone's problems, worries, needs, yet I can only hold so much. I don't get to hang out with the friends I used to hang out with. Relax in the same way I used to. My writing has stunk because finding the time to focus on it is nonexistent. I'm on the brink of burnout.
Lifeboats can sink too, you know. Pin It