(Previously written at the Generation Next Retreat - March 20, 2010)
As I sit here on the floor of the chapel, looking around, seeing people release the pain from the wounds that have poisoned their lives, I'm left numb. I know I have wounds, but I can't fully grasp them right now. I can't even begin to count the times I've been shamed, or the times I wish I could just not exist anymore, but the circumstances that led me to those moments of shame are so hard to find tangible.
I wonder a lot if I'm bitter about the life I've been born into. The negativity that permeates from my family, as well as the hopelessness that pours from them. I wonder so many times how I made it past the age of 3.
And why am I put into the situation of physical problems when God "made me so fearfully and wonderfully". Things I will never understand until I'm standing face to face with my Maker.
I have been so unreasonably blessed to be where I am, surrounded by the people I have; but why must I be taken from them so hastily? So many times I find myself unable to wait for the day I'll be with my Heavenly Father, but then see the hearts I'm leaving behind. Someday they will join me, but living without them seems like it would shatter me.
Of all the things I look forward to, why the 3 I can't wait for the most have to be the restrictions, the unlikelies, and the impossibles?
Don't I have the personality to be a nurturing mother? The passion to travel as a missionary? Shouldn't I be able to live beyond 40? It's hard to believe that my quarter-life is over half my life. It's not right to be thinking about these things at 23.
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Thursday, August 12, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Something's Got to Change
I'm ready to move on.
I need to get out of this web called Mason County. The people and friends I have here have been wonderful, and unfortunately, they are the only ones holding me back. The things I've learned from my professors has been gold. I would have never been so passionate about my writing, English, Spanish, words, structure, etc if it hadn't been for the people who showed me how to have passion for those things.
My church family has been pretty much my only family, embracing me when times were rough, laughing when things were funny, and actually heard me out when I had something to say, then understood. There will never be another family like them.
My camp family is even more superb. They are the ones that taught me how to live on my own. From little things like parallel parking to huge things like finding self-worth and a place in a community of people.
But I am going no where here. I'm running on a treadmill, seeing nothing but the same old things since I was five. I live under my parents. I have no chance of a future here. Something has got to change.
Writing and traveling have always been my passions. I've always been so scared of taking those leaps in my life. What's the worst that could happen after all? Pin It
I need to get out of this web called Mason County. The people and friends I have here have been wonderful, and unfortunately, they are the only ones holding me back. The things I've learned from my professors has been gold. I would have never been so passionate about my writing, English, Spanish, words, structure, etc if it hadn't been for the people who showed me how to have passion for those things.
My church family has been pretty much my only family, embracing me when times were rough, laughing when things were funny, and actually heard me out when I had something to say, then understood. There will never be another family like them.
My camp family is even more superb. They are the ones that taught me how to live on my own. From little things like parallel parking to huge things like finding self-worth and a place in a community of people.
But I am going no where here. I'm running on a treadmill, seeing nothing but the same old things since I was five. I live under my parents. I have no chance of a future here. Something has got to change.
Writing and traveling have always been my passions. I've always been so scared of taking those leaps in my life. What's the worst that could happen after all? Pin It
Thursday, July 8, 2010
We Are Too Comfortable.
Every wonder why churches blow thousands of dollars to have a nice building, just so we impress the people who attend it? Yep, me too. We care more about money and material things sometimes than the starving people across the world (God's world). It's disgusting. We strive to make the American people happy, yet we are NEVER happy. I don't get it.
Yet the starving, the poor, the hurting are more happy than us. Does that tell you something?
I've been inspired by David Platt's book "Radical". I'm not too far into it, but only after a few pages, I feel a burning passion in my heart. I'm realizing the values of this country are selfish. They work to take away from what Christianity is about. They put Jesus in a box. The book talks about how Jesus tells us to sell all of our possessions to the poor, then we will have stored up our treasures in heaven. We, as Americans who long for the comfort and marrow of life twist these words into, "Well, Jesus doesn't actually mean to sell all we have and let go of things that we long to have". This is a huge problem. The Jesus we are worshiping at this point is our own, made-up, fake, comfortable, American Jesus.
Who are you worshiping on Sunday morning? Pin It
Yet the starving, the poor, the hurting are more happy than us. Does that tell you something?
I've been inspired by David Platt's book "Radical". I'm not too far into it, but only after a few pages, I feel a burning passion in my heart. I'm realizing the values of this country are selfish. They work to take away from what Christianity is about. They put Jesus in a box. The book talks about how Jesus tells us to sell all of our possessions to the poor, then we will have stored up our treasures in heaven. We, as Americans who long for the comfort and marrow of life twist these words into, "Well, Jesus doesn't actually mean to sell all we have and let go of things that we long to have". This is a huge problem. The Jesus we are worshiping at this point is our own, made-up, fake, comfortable, American Jesus.
Who are you worshiping on Sunday morning? Pin It
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Things I've Always Wanted to do...
~Tour Europe, Australia, and South America
~Open my own store (book, art, or coffee shop)
~Write a best-selling novel
~Speak fluent Spanish
~Be a mom -someday.
~Road trip across America (and make it further west than Wisconsin) Pin It
~Open my own store (book, art, or coffee shop)
~Write a best-selling novel
~Speak fluent Spanish
~Be a mom -someday.
~Road trip across America (and make it further west than Wisconsin) Pin It
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Keep Holding It
To those hemorrhaging hearts
of missing love
He's patching it.
To the falling inspirations
of misplaced hope
He's catching it.
To the lonely rooms
of cold souls
He's hugging you.
To the tired minds
lacking belief
He's replenishing it.
To those giving up
on a seemless life
keep holding on to it. Pin It
of missing love
He's patching it.
To the falling inspirations
of misplaced hope
He's catching it.
To the lonely rooms
of cold souls
He's hugging you.
To the tired minds
lacking belief
He's replenishing it.
To those giving up
on a seemless life
keep holding on to it. Pin It
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Bailing out on class around 7:30pm, I drove my way home, stopping at church on the way. I entered to see little boys soaring, screeching, and sprinting around the building, sticking their tongues out at every little and big girl they saw enter their domain.
Proceeding to my office, I made copies of one of the devotionals I looked forward to presenting one night in the Dominican Republic...wow, I'd be in the Dominican in a less than 24 hours.
Other team members stopped in, slipping last minute things into their bags. After a brief exchange of excitement and a pinch of nervousness, I proceeded home to take one last hot shower and finish loading my carry-on bag.
Around 11:15pm, I returned to MCRC. Switching some last things in and out of my carry-on bag and luggage, I realized I had forgotten my bottle of Tums, Advil, and Excedrin - true essentials for a week in the Dominican Republic. I drove back home and returned in plenty of time for the passport copying party in the office. I also discovered the multitudes of video cameras accompanying us on the journey.
We gathered in a circle to say a prayer for the trip. This was it.
Jackie, Pete, John, and I rode in Pete's pickup, and by 12am we were on our way. Pin It
Proceeding to my office, I made copies of one of the devotionals I looked forward to presenting one night in the Dominican Republic...wow, I'd be in the Dominican in a less than 24 hours.
Other team members stopped in, slipping last minute things into their bags. After a brief exchange of excitement and a pinch of nervousness, I proceeded home to take one last hot shower and finish loading my carry-on bag.
Around 11:15pm, I returned to MCRC. Switching some last things in and out of my carry-on bag and luggage, I realized I had forgotten my bottle of Tums, Advil, and Excedrin - true essentials for a week in the Dominican Republic. I drove back home and returned in plenty of time for the passport copying party in the office. I also discovered the multitudes of video cameras accompanying us on the journey.
We gathered in a circle to say a prayer for the trip. This was it.
Jackie, Pete, John, and I rode in Pete's pickup, and by 12am we were on our way. Pin It
Friday, January 15, 2010
A Chicago Roadtrip
Dotted highway lines run together as we keep our 80 mph pace toward Chicago, Illinois. We bump along to holy hip-hop, drinking our Brooklyn Bagel coffee, and talking about fantasy football. Leaving small town, Scottville for a weekend is bound to do me good, as I love spontaneous adventures and weekends surrounded by old friends, making plans ten minutes in advance.
As the foggy Chicago skyline comes into view with the surprisingly blue Lake Michigan, a warmth fills our eyes as they burn in delight to see what we have been striving for half the day. It is truly gorgeous. Pin It
As the foggy Chicago skyline comes into view with the surprisingly blue Lake Michigan, a warmth fills our eyes as they burn in delight to see what we have been striving for half the day. It is truly gorgeous. Pin It
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